I help you
improve your
own conflict competencies
Deborah Sword PhD
Do you lose your calm when you're in conflict?
I help you improve interpersonal skills you already have, so you can do conflict better.
Conflict competency is like tech support to help you stay calm, even in conflict.
Conflict doesn’t destroy your relationship skills. You still have the skills you use when you’re calm. But high emotions get in your way of using your skills.
Read more about me, and my dandelion logo here. Conflict is like a weed in your garden, hardy and everywhere.
For weekly tips on improving your conflict competence, subscribe to Conflict Owner’s Manual on your podcast app, or watch it on YouTube. Each short episode gives you one conflict competency you can use right away.
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Conflict Owner's Manual Podcast
Every Sunday, Deborah gives helpful tips for managing conflict better. Subscribe on your favourite podcast app, or YouTube.
Send a question or comment, and receive indispensable conflict competence tips that you can use.
Want a better conflict result? Have a better conflict process 153
Do you wish to achieve one outcome in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your desired outcome improve the relationship? There's a difference between doing conflict well and getting the outcome you prefer. Doing conflict well is a process ...
Blog
Insights on Conflict
Conflict
Competence
All the posts with tips for improving your conflict competencies, one tip at a time
Conflict
in Fiction
Conflict makes a story, which makes fiction ideal for your conflict competence practice.
Conflict Doctor
Q & A
I answer common conflict related questions, and that can include your questions.
Cassandra
File
Sometimes, I set aside impartiality and rant in my outside voice.
All Posts
Listing
Find a complete list of posts by category, for easy navigation
April 2, 2026
September 12, 2025
September 12, 2025
August 21, 2025
January 5, 2025
November 23, 2024
What people usually want to know:
Q. What’s the best conflict competency for resolving conflict?
Unfortunately, the right answer is: “it depends.” But I can suggest three conflict competencies for doing conflict better. Use these three conflict competencies to reveal the right conflict to resolve, and then use all your other skills.
- make sure you’re trying to solve the right problem. Conflict is sneaky that way. it presents as being about—oh, for example, something you said—when it’s really about someone’s disappointed expectation, or a basket of accumulating frustrations. We recommend you determine which possible problem(s) underlie the conflict. This uncovering the actual problem is called a conflict analysis, where you figure out what’s really going on.
- default to curiosity. Finding the right problem requires asking questions before you react to the other person’s presentation of the problem as they see it. Gentle, curious questions are not an interrogation nor a demand for answers.
- see the problem from the other person’s perspective as well as from your own. Just because you’re hurt or indignant by how they see things, doesn’t mean they’re entirely wrong. You taking ownership of your share of the conflict goes a long way to resolving problems.
Resolve the right problem by curious (not brain-probing) questioning, perspective taking, and conducting a thorough conflict analysis. Otherwise, you might find yourself having to resolve today’s conflict again because you didn’t get all the problems at the same time.
Q. Why doesn't Conflict Owners Manual focus on conflict resolution?
It’s true that the R in my vocabulary isn’t primarily Resolution. The R includes Reactivity, Response, Repair and Relationship. I focus on conflict competence, and doing conflict better, starting with two big assumptions.
- you already own conflict competency skills, but actual conflict makes those skills hard to access. I help you bridge the gap from what you know to knowing how to use your knowledge.
- there are positive actions you can take in a conflict that don’t require the other person agreeing with you. Learning about conflict in general and about yourself in particular, you improve your conflict competencies and the quality of your relationships. Resolution is what emerges from you owning conflict competencies and being able to use them under pressure.
Q. I tried talking to the person I was in conflict with and it didn’t work, so what went wrong?
This is a familiar frustration. So, I have questions for you: were you a gourmet chef your first time in the kitchen? How long did it take you to become a whiz with your devices? When talking didn’t work, which conflict competency skills did you try?
We suggest you practice conflict competency when you aren’t in conflict, use the skills often, and don’t quit trying. Then, when you are in a conflict, you’re prepared. It’s like practicing cooking so you don’t starve, and learning your devices so you’re safe online.
Conflict competency skills are effective, and practice gives you access to them.
Is practice hard work that takes effort? Hard work, no, takes effort, yes. Is doing conflict better worth the work and effort? Oh yeah.