No one’s born with an instruction manual for conflict, or a hot line to conflict tech support. When you practice intentionally using your conversational competencies, you’re practicing your conflict competencies.

Are you tempted to be aggressive towards an adversary in hopes of achieving your preferred conflict outcome. In the podcast, I suggest other approaches that are more likely to get the result you want.

People who attend courses about managing conflicts report that they love the interactive experience, are excited about the skills they learn, give glowing testimonials to the instructors, see value in the material, and ... and then what? The follow up isn't encouraging.

Youths hang out online, where they can hang up, close the browser, switch tabs, open another app, flame an adversary in social media, block/ghost/gaslight, or log out. We know how to avoid conflict. Avoiding conflict rarely teaches anything useful for healthy and positive relationships. So, what are other options?

Could you summarize in a sentence what you’ve learned from your life's work, or a relationship, special interest or hobby? I decided to try writing mine instead of pretending to make New Year's resolutions.

Words are words, right? Wouldn’t you assume that using words was a skill transferable from one career to another? With words, I manage conflict and write. Yet, switching from Conflict Manager to writer about managing conflict changed everything about words. As a Conflict Manager, I think fast, strip down flowery language, and integrate non-fiction stories into a coherent […]

Be more conflict competent, whether to prevent or manage a conflict, or prepare for the next conflict, even though emotions run high and feelings are hurt.

The late Rob Ford's musing are life rules to follow for conflict management and living joyously. Surprise - it turns out Mr. Ford's good, bad and ugly behaviour all conceal useful lessons. It’s a shame Mr. Ford subverted these to the Dark Side.

“This little guy will save your life.” Between diagnosis and my first mastectomy, my partner Decker put his trust in a ten-week-old puppy named Trail to keep me alive. How'd that go? Well, Trail's living large, having figured out my operating system.

I met the man who owns my left breast. I chatted with a stranger who said he’s a Medical Researcher studying what breast cancers spread to bones. I said I’d donated the tissue formerly known as my breast to his research project. He said my breast’s in a petrie dish in his lab freezer, and I asked if that’s next to the vegetables.

I nominate Toronto Rob Ford as Valentine guru of the year. No, seriously, he could teach Cupid. Buffoonery aside – and that’s a huge aside – his ability to keep voters willing to vote for him defies credibility. It’s what I find most astonishing – his self-imposed implosion and dizzying public unraveling hasn’t deterred his Ford Nation from believing in him. That means he […]

Oops, I did it again. As in two original breasts, four total mastectomies. Think of that when ordering a double double coffee at Tim’s. After the shock of the first two mastectomies, undergoing another two was – well – a shock. I mean, who has four mastectomies?

Whether change is from a death, disease, divorce, depression, disappointment, or other disaster, hey, the trauma ended, move on; get over it. So, I’ll share the secret here first; it isn’t so simple. Two years ago, Dr. Simpson, exasperated, asked what kept me in sadness when the cancer was in remission. Tears were my silent answer. My risk remains high, so imagine my wonderment that (for the most part) I did get over PCS. But someone recently reminded me of my low time in PCS. Now, with my brain finally engaged again, I’m on a quest to belatedly answer Dr. Simpson’s question.

I was retained by a team that had been in conflict for – by their reckoning – about ten years. They were so skeptical of conflict management and reluctant to discuss their issues that I suggested we try Dialogue instead of trying for resolution. Despite their unwillingness and  half-hearted engagement, they gave it a try. At the session’s […]

It was a real pleasure to be in a workshop with Bernie Mayer on Friday in Edmonton Alberta. I learned a lot and very much enjoyed the conversation with about a dozen Conflict Managers. Somewhere in the discussion, this expression was used:

This week I witnessed the importance of sincerely offering and graciously accepting an apology. Granted, during times of high emotions, it isn’t always easy to do either. In these two cases, how an apology was offered (or not) and accepted (or not) had the power to change the outcome of the two relationships:

The cliché often used to get people to take medicine is” ‘short term pain for long term gain’. How Osama bin Ladin was captured is also a cautionary tale about short term gain for long term pain. The CIA used a nurse and doctor to withdraw blood while vaccinating suspects. The DNA confirmed the suspect […]

Even billion dollar deals can fall apart when the highly paid executives doing the negotiating get hurt feelings. Here’s a cautionary tale about the value of doing interest based negotiations, of managing your reactions to another person, and of understanding how to have difficult conversations. If ever you wondered about the importance of relationship building in […]

It isn’t often I go to a Hollywood movie and then buy the DVD to show my conflict management students. When Martha, my colleague and friend, suggested we sneak in a matinee of “You Again” I agreed because it was a rainy day and I didn’t have any pressing deadlines. You Again has a terrific cast and […]

There are myths we hear about what conflict management is and what a Conflict Manager does. I propose exposing three of those myths. Here are true stories of cases I’ve had, made generic to preserve confidentiality:

My motto, the tagline to this website and my Conflict Competence consultancy, is Doing Conflict Better. How do I define those words, especially ‘conflict’, ‘competent’, and ‘better’? I start with an assumption that most people want to be able to handle conflict situations, and that most people already have ideas and skills that allow them to function […]

On 10 December, 2009, President Barak Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize and gave the Laureate address in Oslo, Norway. I listened with interest for many reasons, one of which was because it was the Peace Prize awarded to the President of a nation at war.  That’s a bit challenging to get my mind around. […]

As well as enthralling and enchanting, the Galapagos Islands are enlightening. Critters with complex social communities are abundant. It was fascinating to watch their dynamic interactions in species and among species.– Here is something I observed about conflict in a place where nature is still ‘natural’.

Conflicts happen even when people agree on their shared goals and mutual  tasks. I've observed clients agree on what they want to do and why, then disagree on how to approach the tasks and achieve the goals. This week I participated in a Insight Fusion webinar for consultants innovating ways to engage people in organizations.

Conflict Competence is a wonderful skill Anyone can be competent at anything when things are going well. Being competent under stress, strain and pressure is a gift we give ourselves.