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Tag: conflict

How to change other peoples’ conflict behaviour

Question posed: How do I change the other person’s behaviour when that is what’s creating conflict? Answer: A fast 3-step dance pattern describes a lot of conflicts. Step one: the first person acts or speaks; Step two: the second person (you) interprets those words or actions, and Step three: the second person (still you) reacts based on that interpretation. So, your question is about changing step one. Most answers to your question advise you on steps two and three because that’s where you have real control. My answer is a little different than… Read more How to change other peoples’ conflict behaviour

A Conflict Analysis of Why

Question posed: I asked an acquaintance why he did something (he even admitted it was obviously stupid). He accused me of being judgmental, stormed away, and won’t speak to me. What did I do wrong? Answer: When emotions are high, ‘why’ is almost always the wrong question to ask. It’s when emotions are calm and supportive that ‘why’ shows interest in someone’s thoughts and feelings. Here’s why ‘why’ should be used with caution:

The Mind Of A Mediator: my novel in progress

At work, I make dozens of considered decisions about and during each intervention. Think about any conflict, and there was perhaps some heart stopping moment when you realized that someone needs to do or say something. But what? Each intervention, reframe, summary, or caucus, has potential to be a change leading the parties somewhere, with no returning to the prior state. Seventeen years ago, I wrote a 90,000+ word novel about a Conflict Manager’s thought processes at work, the in-the-moment decision-making. Editing those words has been my 16 year obsession since. If… Read more The Mind Of A Mediator: my novel in progress

Conflict Analysis of Dialogue

I was retained by a team that had been in conflict for – by their reckoning – about ten years. They were so skeptical of conflict management and reluctant to discuss their issues that I suggested we try Dialogue instead of trying for resolution. Despite their unwillingness and  half-hearted engagement, they gave it a try. At the session’s conclusion, they expressed disappointment that Dialogue was just talk when they needed magic. There are many conflict management processes Four days later, I phoned to check in. The team lead reported with surprised delight that the… Read more Conflict Analysis of Dialogue

The power of apology in conflict

This week I witnessed the importance of sincerely offering and graciously accepting an apology. Granted, during times of high emotions, it isn’t always easy to do either. In these two cases, how an apology was offered (or not) and accepted (or not) had the power to change the outcome of the two relationships: