Being silent is a conflict skill in three different ways. One point of clarification. I don’t mean “the silent treatment” or ghosting or the cold shoulder. I mean thoughtful respectful silence that show’s you’re present, not withdrawn in anger.
I’ll use older movies to demonstrate how silence is a useful response in conflict. Because they’re old, it might be easier to find them online.
Silence is a pause
In ordinary conversation, say between friends, silence can be comfortable. Among strangers, silence can be awkward. In conflict, silence can be deliberate. When you choose to be silent in conflict, assuming you feel safe, you take a pause that opens a space when something might happen, and you wait in anticipation. Will the next action or word be yours? Someone else’s?
Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly in the Back to The Future movies demonstrates how to make silence your preparation space for deciding.
Study the scenes where someone calls Marty chicken, and watch him change from polite ‘no’ to steam billow out of him as he decides (although reactively) to change his answer to ‘yes, bring it on’.
While Marty is silent, tension building, others wonder what he’ll do. The decision to act and how to act is made in the silence, so it’s your opportunity to make a good decision that gets your preferred outcome.
If Marty McFly were to ask me, I’d suggest he use the silence as a conflict skill. In that silence, instead of thinking about how you’re going to take down a bully, think about what triggered you. Own the moment of silence to figure out what’s really going on, to solve the real problem. Because being called chicken isn’t a problem you own. Your reaction is.
Some recommend that you use the silence to count to ten and breathe deep. That’s good too, but then what? You still have to identify the real problem, own the decision whether or not to engage, how to engage, what engagement means to the people and so on.
So, the first conflict skill that silence offers you: use the silence to makes a decision that improves the quality of your relationships.
Silence affects the other person’s resolve
The second use of silence as a conflict skill is what happens to the other person when you’re silent. Generally, people find silence awkward and try to fill it. In conflict, silence is filled with making your arguments again, pushing your points onto the adversary, and telling them why you’re right.
Watch Meet Joe Black to see how Brad Pitt uses silence. Faced with demands for answers, Brad Pitt stays relaxed, observant, and noncomplying. They fill in his silence with assumptions, and give him more information about themselves.
Generally, it’s considered polite to answer a direct question, but when Brad Pitt just looks at the person who questioned him, the person looks down, squirms a bit, lets it go, or, someone jumps in to fill the silence.
Joe Black doesn’t not answer questions, his silence is the response, letting the other person know the question wasn’t appropriate or well received. Silence is like saying: “believe what you want to believe, because I’m not engaging in this argument at this time.”
So, the second conflict skill that silence offers: silence is a response that, used judiciously, can improve the quality of your relationships.
Silence is time to gather perspectives
The third conflict competence of silence is thinking about what others might be thinking. Look at the situation from other perspectives before you decide what to do next.
A demonstration of this Tom Cruise as Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, in A Few Good Men. For approximately 78 seconds, in the famous courtroom scene, Lt Kaffee scans the faces in the courtroom. He desperately seeks advice about what to do, sorting out his options and predicting the consequences of his choices. In the scene, as he silently looks around for help, the viewer is treated to close-ups of what Tom Cruise sees on the impassive faces of the jury, the accused, the lawyers, and it gives him information.
We, the audience can not, nor can Tom Cruise, know what others are thinking. But still, he takes multiple perspectives. He sees on the faces of the jury that they know they’re the decision makers who his arguments must persuade or he fails. He sees in the stony faces of the accused that they’re resigned to putting their fate in his hands because they’re bound by an unspoken code to not tell who gave them orders. He sees in his co-counsels’ stares into his soul they fear he’ll do the wrong thing and lose the case. As the stakes rise and his indecision, heightens, the witness, Jack Nicholson, breaks the silence and helps him decide.
So, the third conflict skill that silence offers: silence is a time for gathering information from the others in the conflict that, used to help you make decisions, can improve the quality of your relationships.
Conclusion
The movie scenes mentioned demonstrate how much happens in silence and pauses. I’ve mentioned just three examples. When have you used silence effectively in conflict? Leave a comment; I love hearing from you.
