Does conflict set you off even when you want self-control? Use these five steps.
Question:
A parent asked about his child’s recent public meltdown. As the Conflict Doctor, I squirmed, anticipating a parenting question that I’m not qualified to answer. Instead, he admitted his immature overreaction was the low point of the scene.
“I tried to be the adult,” he said. “But I got so riled I blew up at her despite taking deep breaths and counting to ten. “How could I have controlled myself better?”
Answer:
“Most parents have a similar story,” I said. “Much as we want to control a partner, child, boss, politician, etc, your insight is correct; we can control only ourselves. My question for you: what did you think about as you counted to ten?“
He replied, “Counting.”
“There’s a way to get more value from those ten precious seconds,” I said, “Here is my suggestion.”
Conflict Mental Maps override mental maps
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- Relating: You relate to experiences that fit your worldview. It’s like routes and shortcuts so familiar that you could find your way without a map.
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- Riled: When an experience and your expectation diverge, the routes and shortcuts become uncertain and you appreciate a map. If the situation is conflictual, the guide that pops up is your Conflict Mental Map.
Your relaxed mental map shows what you believe is true in life.
Your Conflict Mental Map shows what you believe is true in conflict.
There are two traps on your Conflict Mental Map.
1. It narrows your options, showing fewer routes and shortcuts than are available.
2. Reading maps is more difficult when you’re upset.
So, practice these five steps on your relaxed mental map, so the steps are habits you can access when your Conflict Mental Map takes over.
1: Rethink simplicity.
What’s visible is a direct connection that looks one dimensional; she melted down and you got riled.
Action —> Reaction
The remaining invisible information is filled with inferences, beliefs, assumptions, and attributions.
Intent (private, invisible) —> Action (public, visible)
—> Intent —> Reaction
On your relaxed mental map, practice seeing the complexity.
2: Default to curiosity.
In fiction, characters are terrified, angry, and still curious about that noise in the attic or smell in the basement. You understand her meltdown signifies emotion. Which kind? You’re riled; what else can you be?
Most humans are empathetic, not telepathic. However scary it is to ask, she has answers you need.
We are meaning makers, not mind readers.
In her meltdown, she hasn’t named the emotion – yet – and perhaps can’t – yet – so you don’t know the meaning of the experience to her – yet.
“Yet” reshapes thinking, avoids shortcuts, empowers curiosity, and opens conversations.
On your relaxed mental map, practice identifying unknowns that you act on as if they are true.
3: Acknowledge default decision-making patterns.
Shortcuts in thinking aid how you react. You don’t give the shortcut the credit for influencing your decision. An unsophisticated example of shortcuts influencing how you select your reactions is:
On your relaxed mental map, practice recognizing thinking shortcuts that influence your beliefs and decisions.
4: Allow doubt.
You may react differently if you have doubts. Here’s a pattern that may be familiar:
She forms an intention -> speaks/acts -> you observe -> reflect -> make meaning of the action ->attribute an intent to her -> react -> she reacts from her interpretation of your attribution of her intent.
On your relaxed mental map, practice asking if you are wrong at any stage, whether visible and public or invisible and private.
5: Default to thinking about thinking.
When you are relaxed, think about your thoughts. Then, think about your thoughts when you are riled. Any differences?
Conflict Mental Maps shortcut through blame about who instigated, who escalated, and justifications for reacting. One way to interrupt that pattern is to think about interrupting it. What other routes and shortcuts can you walk?
Conclusion
The question was “how to control myself better?”
Dynamic thinking occurs at the speed of thought, in the mind’s privacy. When do you think about how you think?
With practice, two seconds spent on each of these five steps
Add more routes to the mental map
